


I Didn't Survive for You

by Akoya_Pearl



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Gen, How Do I Tag, POV Clarke, The 100 (TV) Season 6, clarke needs a hug, i think
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-09
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2020-02-29 06:07:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18772786
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Akoya_Pearl/pseuds/Akoya_Pearl
Summary: Clarke has had enough with the petty comments and the blame coming from her former friends. She stands up for herself.The missing confrontation in the first two episodes of season 6. Basically just 800 words of Clarke not censoring herself. Totally self-indulgent.





	I Didn't Survive for You

**Author's Note:**

> Soooooo this is totally unedited. Like I watched episode two, got the feels, wrote them down, and hit post. Constructive criticism welcomed. Beta reader for future ramblings wanted.

Clarke bit her tongue the first time Murphy made a comment. They were in a new situation and everyone was uncomfortable. She locked her jaw when Raven followed up, and again when Echo added in “at least she’s making the right decisions now.” As if that wasn’t a deliberate play on words. Clarke guessed the six-year reprieve wasn’t long enough to combat the lifelong habits one picked up as a back-stabbing spy. Clarke looked at Bellamy, his eyes on the table. Right.

She ignored all of the biting comments again on the expedition down, knowing a fight wouldn’t help with the mission at hand. She ignored the sting in her eyes and the whittled-out cavern of her heart at Bell’s spat declarations. “How many times have you tried to kill me now?” It was the toxin, it wasn’t him. It wasn’t him. She looked up into his eyes as his hands wrapped around her throat, doing what she didn’t have the courage to do. She pulled the pin in the tank and let the gas take them all.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They were in someone’s house, given to them as a temporary meeting room, the rest of Sanctum’s occupants giving them room to process everything. Raven’s tear-soaked eyes turned to Clark, turning to steel as soon as they locked onto their target. “How is it, that wherever you go Clarke, someone dies?”

She’s in pain. It’s not your fault. Breath. Flashes of running into the concentrated radiation ran through her mind. The fear she pushed aside to charge head first after Shaw. Raven’s instant accusation, all the blame placed at Clarke's feet.

She snapped.

“Is that what you all need? Huh? For me to be the bad guy? Do you need someone to blame? Fine. Blame me. I honestly don’t give a shit. You want to pretend that everything was my fault? I’ll let you hide in your delusions, I won’t rip away your safety blankets, protecting you from your own sins. Spit at my name, whatever you want. Cause I don’t regret a damn thing. Sure, I’m sorry you all got hurt, that the world said ‘fuck you’ to all of you too. But I’m done saving you. I’ve paid my dues. I watched you all fly off into the sunset with a smile on my face, knowing you would survive even though I was sure I wouldn’t.” Clarke scoffed, pausing at the wounded sound that escaped Bellamy’s throat.

“But I did. God, I wish I hadn’t. I woke up choking on my own blood, every move I made tore my blistered flesh. When I had to remove my clothes for the first time after that wave, my skin came with it. While you were all up there complaining about eating algae, I was cauterizing my own wounds. And when I was finally healed enough to move, I spent months by myself trying to get to that bunker, to not be alone in a dead world. Do you know how many times I almost didn’t go back for supplies? For water? I was ready to look up at the stars and let nature decide when to close my eyes. I wasn’t Clark anymore. I wasn’t anyone.” She pulled in a deep breath, letting the angry tears fall, not caring if they thought less of her for it.

”But then I found a scared little girl, all alone. I spent weeks getting her to trust me, the only other person living above the ground. And then I spent five years being her mother. And that’s who I became. We were all each other had for five years. I didn’t get friends. I didn’t get to fuck around on a spaceship. I got a child, and the responsibility of keeping two people alive in a wasteland, when I barely had the will for one person in the first place. Do any of you know what it’s like to not be able to have a real conversation, to have no one to talk to, to rely on, but a child for five years? No. So, when everyone came back down to the ground and I had to make choices between you all and my child, I choose Madi.” Clarke's voice was a wall, barely holding back a flood of emotion. Rage. Desperation. Loneliness. Hurt.

 

“I had already chosen you enough. I gave up my conscience for you, my morals. You put the weight of a race on my shoulders and then blamed me when I stumbled. I injected myself with nightblood for you and almost died in the process. I gave up myself for you, climbed a tower in a radiation storm and let it peel away at me for all of you. So, let’s get this straight, you can be mad at me, hate me, spit out petty comments. But I will continue to choose Madi, just like you all will continue to choose each other. Like you all decided to do when you got to the ground and realized I wasn’t yours anymore.” She was out of breath as she looked around the room. It was like someone had taken a needle to the balloon that was Clarke and she sputtered out onto the nearest chair.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

They filtered back outside after a strained silence and what could pass as a tentative plan had been formed. No one looked at anything but the ground when they emerged, too stuck in their own heads. They worked out a truce with the locals and had a plan to talk out the details of cohabitation the next day. They all went their separate ways after that, human contact like sandpaper to skin.

Clarke was by the lake, knees submerged in the freezing water, letting it ground her when she heard him approach. He stood beside her, not hesitating at the temperature. Shoulder to shoulder they looked out at the planet above them.

“I’m sorry”

She didn’t respond.

“I should have been there with you, for you.”

“You wouldn’t have survived.”

“No, I wouldn’t have.“ He sighed, "You’re the survivor Clarke”

She looked over at him, at the curls drifting in front of his eyes and the stress lining his face. She looked back at the ground.

“And look where that got me.” Clarke spared him one last glance, nodding to Echo approaching as she wadded out of the water, whispering as she went. “Solitude and survival, old friends.”


End file.
